I think one of the reasons converts steer clear of spam emails (which I had to report as my requests to be removed twice was ignored, and I stand corrected as apparently there is an unsubscribe button if I search my emails from three years ago. The sender being an Alberta chapter, not Ontario), is that it’s a reminder of who I was before.
We change. Heck, I’m not even in that same city anymore, and shedding my old self means not feeling guilty for it either. I think every convert goes through these phases and when we enter a new moon, we wish to see the light before us. Shadows remind us of how much we have learned, and dealing with daily life and realizing I’m not who I thought I would be even five years ago is a hard pill to swallow.
But somehow, I feel more free. From the expectations. All that hurt. So much anger. Not being accepted. Dealing with numerous challenges.
Can we not just respect each other, and not drown us in a sea of messages.
I feel bad but at the same time, enough is enough. Being reminded that my voice is ignored, even today after I have left means I need to speak a little louder. Stand up for myself. And move forward.
P.S. I’m beginning to realize my mistake in having responded to a religious sister a few weeks ago since it seems my email has been added to a bunch of lists since then and hence my fury. I told her I’m not as practicing, and I definitely didn’t think this meant that I would be bombarded by all these emails from religious organizations. Its offensive. Reminds me of the days where people thought they were helping my faith by sending me countless emails. It needs to stop. Pray for me, not prey on me. Ease. Ameen.
P.P.S. I’m also SOOOO tired of being treated like a black sheep. Like how was I going to sustain my practice with all the hypocrisy around me? Also, sooo sick and tired of being treated like I’m some kind of disease. Religious ‘friends’ of a decade who treat me like I have fallen from the fold and don’t wish to associate with me. And yet, would befriend non-religious people in hopes of outreach. Like, really. Why don’t we focus on each other as people instead of checkmarks on a list. Only God defines us. I’m disgusted at how quickly backs are turned when you take off a headscarf that quite frankly, was my personal decision to put on, and also a personal decision to take off. Sorry for the rant, but after being treated like I’m worse than dirt when I was struggling and living in the car, because I guess I deserved it as God’s punishment, I’m beginning to realize, He doesn’t want us to suffer, only to love Him. And love Him with all my heart I do. There, focus on love, not differences people. Ameen.
P.P.P.S. And instead of focusing on what I’m doing wrong, why don’t we focus on some half decent literature as I was dismayed that the one item I had left was somewhat disappointing in its constant reference to disbelievers when my hubby had taken an interest in reading a bit more. It disgusts me how divisive any religious group can be, and it needs to stop. Why doesn’t one take all that time spent in writing me spam emails and spend it providing more friendly material that is all inclusive for all walks of life. Just saying. God isn’t hard, people are. God is easy, people make it difficult. It needs to stop. Ease. Ameen.
Last P.S. I hope: I also wanted to add that my ten years of super Muslimness that’s discounted because I have chosen a different, more open path, is also disheartening. It hurts. Like hell. It’s like all those countless hours of halaqas every Friday for two years at the masjid, and numerous fundraisers as well as volunteerism to help people doesn’t mean anything. Like am I suddenly a different person? Did it count less to work at a homeless shelter because I didn’t dress a certain way or help certain types of people? I pray that we all become more unified. Such minor details leads us away from the major focus, which is helping each other make this life a little bit easier. At ease. Ameen.