Gah

My tummy upset lately. My partner been threatened with layoffs. 

My trainer doesn’t know I’m replacing him. He thinks I’m just his backup at work. I feel terrible. I’m not sure I would stay in this temp role long term. It seems demanding. And it’s only 20 hours a week half days Mon to Fri. Not enough to pay rent.

Not sure if I should go back to Ontario. We have talked about it. Breaking up doesn’t seem to be an option. Our fights have been nightmares before. Like horrible siblings. Is this what commitment looks like. Such uncertainty. Not sure what to do. We have happy moments unlike none other, but very dark moments too.

God guide us. To success. Ameen.

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This entry was posted on July 6, 2017. 6 Comments

Cheese…. ย  ย  ย Please

My life at a glance:

  • Today I had an interview: 20 people crammed in the same room for three hours for only one casual part time airline customer service position. Yeah. That was interesting. More so the part where I was subtly dismissed from what I could only gather as my lack of Barbie lookalikeness. Yeah. That was fun.
  • My partner’s payroll is still amiss. To date, he was paid mid December last year and mid May once, for half a month’s wages this year. So…. only seven more months worth of owed wages to go. Stress doesn’t begin to describe it.
  • Threatened with eviction nearly every month due to the above while I struggle to get one shift a week, or two if I’m lucky in retail.
  • Booked for a temp role tomorrow but wage and recruiter seem shady. As in, please don’t promise me $15 on the phone and drop it to $14 in an email without response for past five days due to holiday weekend just before assignment is tomorrow for mornings only five days a week. Oy.
  • My ex-husband seems to be making his mid-life crisis my problem by continuously emailing me (now four times) with verbal diarrhea such as please tell him am I single or with someone, how many things he has done for me, and that I should respond to him for the sake of God. And his last email prompting me to reply with a YES/NO as to if I’m okay. It’s funny how after eight years, somehow I still owe someone something. Silence is a response. Sheesh.
  • I have gained two sizes heavier though I suspect it’s due to my underweight before and underactivity now. That or clothing manufacturers are secretly bumping down clothing sizes to make us feel fat. My partner’s family blame it on the potatoes and perogies he keeps feeding me, though they like me just the way I am. So far. I have yet to scare them with my crankiness. And he loves me just the way I am. Though at times I’m sure I’m driving him completely insane with my worry. Ah. Love.
  • My mom lost her job before Xmas. And by lose I mean those jerks laid her off before Xmas. Yes, I’m boycotting Home Hardware. She is studying for her exam to sell life insurance. I’ve tried to tip toe on how much advice I can give her as I know it’s rough.
  • I feel pretty isolated out here. Well, at least there is Hay Day, gym, and mmm…my love life? We have our highs and lows and bad fights but somehow God has kept us together. It’s been brutally rough for us and somehow our spirituality and prayers keep the darker forces abay while we focus on what’s important.
  • We attended his nephew’s communion in June. Yup. Went to church during Ramadan. That was interesting. What’s with all the singing..gahh…I was looking forward to a sermon or something.
  • Overall I would say I’m taking life day by day. We could be living back in the car again if his paycheck doesn’t magically appear, but we have survived rougher before and still somehow find humour and gratitude after the dust of chaos settles. Not sure what this says about my life being underemployed and nearing houselessness again, (sniffle) but you do the best with what you have, where you are.

Ease. Success. Ameen.

This entry was posted on July 4, 2017. 4 Comments

Breathe Again

My anger gets misplaced at times towards my partner. Receiving an email from my ex-husband these past few days makes me realize whom I meant to be directing this to.

Love isn’t easy. It doesn’t need to be complicated either. It is simple. Love me while I am here, not to cherish me when I’m gone. I realize now some if not many love the idea of a relationship, but very few commit to the hard work and forgiveness it entails.

Making a life together means building on yourself. At times, transitions aren’t easy. These reformations within ourselves, these revelations of our truths we have kept hidden. Those scars of hurt, those badges of anger. It can become hard to let go what is familiar but no longer serves us.

Each day we live our truth as we choose to see it. Not everyone is ready and so you must take it upon yourself to be open. To allow yourself to see the change within you, to shed the skins that no longer belong to you. It is raw, and very real, to live your authentic truth, little make up and all.

And while our lives might not look how we expected, and we may be criticized internally for being different, one voice speaks silently above them all: you are more beautiful than perfect, and your perfect is beautiful.

“Scars to Your Beautiful”, Alessia Cara

This entry was posted on June 27, 2017. 5 Comments

Bullies and Creepers in the Workplace

There are moments in your life when you’re not proud of how anger got the better of you, and yet it is necessary to fuel change in your life.

Being bullied and creeped on at work has reached its limits. Having to work nearly over 30 hours a week without being granted full time hours and benefits takes a toll on your mental health in dealing with colleagues who have just been in retail too long. Ones who take every minute detail way too seriously and feel they can speak to you in a condescending manner as their years of service equate to an over inflated sense of importance and superiority. Its insane.

Yesterday I was shaking in anger at yet again being targeted with her natterings which many others have stated, she’s basically very difficult to work with.

While I tell myself better exists one day, a part of me is just plain tired. It seems that no matter how good you are and how hard you work, it really comes down to politics of who likes you and what happens if they don’t. It becomes frustrating when good work and all this other positive attitude stuff just doesn’t matter in the face of bullies and smart creepers who can get away with touching you with their eyes. Shudder.

But I must try. For the sake of peace not only at home but in my mind too. When minimum wage takes a toll on your maximum health, it’s time to check out.

Success.

Ameen.

500 Days of ย ๐Ÿ˜Š ๐Ÿ˜… ๐Ÿ˜ข ๐Ÿ˜ฅ ๐Ÿ˜‚

In about four days, we will learn of what the Universe has in store for us next: my partner’s payroll has been delayed for three months now and our landlord’s patience is even shorter.

When every opportunity to advance comes to a standstill, where is there left to go. 

It’s been a roller coaster since last June and it’s easy to start questioning ourselves if this journey is worth fighting for. How do you know if these tests are to strengthen you two as a couple or if it’s signs that you’re better off apart. 

Life as a Pink Ninja isn’t easy. You have to believe that love is worth holding onto. Being with someone is beyond Hollywood romance movies, it takes recommitment and lots of forgiveness for the inevitable human traits we all possess in moments of hardship. The difference is how you two come back together, stronger than ever, determined to push through to the next stage in your relationship. Just like a video game. Without zombies.

There are moments where I have questioned what this is all for, this seemingly backwards spiral into my life. It is easy to look at my life the way others would look at it. But my dear friend reminds me, we must look at ourselves the way God sees us. 

To God we belong, and to Him we return.

Prayers to all those going through struggles that we never hear about, as they bravely smile thru it all.

Success.

Ameen.

Lucky To Be Alive

Trudging through the storm in a white mini van, we ride in disbelief that highways such as this one were not shut down. White out conditions with bare visibility makes blowing snow warnings laughable as we headed from Winnipeg to return home West.

Leaving Brandon, Manitoba at 3:30am since our 9pm long but steady drive, we knew this regular six hour journey would require patience. But what we didn’t expect were three foot drifts and lack of ploughs on Christmas day. 

Getting stuck ditch after ditch, we braved the elements with socks for mittens and snow brushes for shovels. Our lack of winter gear didn’t help but even more disparaging was being told by CAA Manitoba at 4:30am that there were no tow trucks and maybe RCMP heading out our way in eight to ten hours. Basically, good luck. 

As pick up trucks, Greyhound and tractor trailers drove past us, the lack of humanity on Christmas hit harder than the snowstorm of 30-40cm. We will never forget the one white pick up who stopped, asked what’s wrong, and said, “see you later!”. He had shovels and obviously a few bad elves who could have helped.

Being stuck on the shoulder also posed a safety risk with a tractor trailer missing us by a few feet before he almost landed in the ditch. We slept in the car after my many snow shinobi attempts to try to break the snow in jeans and sneakers, and were awoken three hours later by yet another request from someone for us to get out of their way. 

They dug and push us out only to have us stuck on our third drift which they gleefully passed us by, all three pickup trucks and tractor trailer. This drift in the middle of the road was even worse and with our three quarter tank of gas, we started to worry if help would ever come as CAA Manitoba yet again told us to sit tight to CAA Saskatchewan’s horror.

Another white pickup drives by for an emergency snow call locally, and stops to listen but refuses to help us even with a push. We were sent angels though, and had one black SUV help give us a push, but it wasn’t until Darwin Drake entered the scene that we truly felt it was a Christmas miracle.

Darwin stood tall and strong as he offered to pull us out with his black pick up truck but our mini van lacked towing points. Lo and behold, he informed us ploughs were coming and sure enough ten minutes later at finally 11am were they clearing the 1 West highway from hazardous snowfall since yesterday. He wanted to get out of their way and mentioned he might return to check on us and we thanked him for his presence.

Unfortunately, the ploughs didn’t help as they shoveled more snow onto the passenger side of our vehicle which made it even tougher to dig out of. We worked as a team and were patient and hopeful that we would be saved. Sure enough, Darwin returns with a massive blue shovel borrowed from a local farm and start to dig us out effortlessly the many feet of snow. With great pushes by me and him, we were on our way. He drove by us again to make sure we were alright and we thanked him repeatedly for being our saviour.

As we arrived in Virden, the highways finally closed, we napped and reacquainted with the black SUV who gave us a push. As 4pm arrived and we were on our way out with highways reopened, we received yet another call from CAA Manitoba that they did not have any contractors who could come help us. I’m guessing Boxing Day shopping was more important.

As we safely drove along clear roads and felt blessed to be back in Saskatchewan where their CAA would be a million times better than Manitoba, we felt closer than ever and learned just how ridiculous one of my employers could be in asking that I still try to make it on Boxing Day even though I was texting her I was in a ditch with no help for hours. My second retail employer is professionally distant but immediately relieved me of my shift the next day so that I wouldn’t be rushed to return to the city which I wished the first employer had done.

Who knows why things happen the way they do. All I know is as our muscles ached from surviving the wild, and our minds exhausted from the dangers of human behavior, we felt loved and blessed by God for His angels who were the true miracle this Christmas.

Ameen.

This entry was posted on December 27, 2016. 2 Comments

It’s Weird to Feel Normal

As I battle a sore throat from the dust and warmth of our new place, I feel strange to not have to struggle. 

Since living in our car as of July 31, it’s hard to believe we endured the roughest and funnest times since then. Our new home is beautiful, spacious, and surreal since being here for a week now and realizing how much we condensed to a 5X10 trailer which spreads thin in a two bedroom home.

It’s definitely not cheap and while the vacancy rates are high, rental prices definitely have not come down. Having just landed a second part time retail job myself, we are blessed that his career is more fruitful.

As I hibernate here in one of many rooms, my anti social nature has sprung as the frigid temperatures make it hard for me to venture away from our furnished space. I miss knitting at the library, breakfasts at Tim Hortons and friendly faces at the gym.

On the other hand, I don’t miss the judgement from not having an address, dealing with hygiene inconveniences, or the insurmountable stress as the weather darkens to freezing temperatures. 

As we cried because we saw other trailers replace us in the Walmart parking lot in how we empathize with the struggles others go through, we thank God for the blessings and prayers of what hardships He and all of your kind wishes has saved us from.

May this season bring much cheer, warmth, and blessings to you and your families as well.

Ameen.