I think one of the reasons converts steer clear of spam emails (which I had to report as my requests to be removed twice was ignored, and I stand corrected as apparently there is an unsubscribe button if I search my emails from three years ago. The sender being an Alberta chapter, not Ontario), is that it’s a reminder of who I was before.

We change. Heck, I’m not even in that same city anymore, and shedding my old self means not feeling guilty for it either. I think every convert goes through these phases and when we enter a new moon, we wish to see the light before us. Shadows remind us of how much we have learned, and dealing with daily life and realizing I’m not who I thought I would be even five years ago is a hard pill to swallow.

But somehow, I feel more free. From the expectations. All that hurt. So much anger. Not being accepted. Dealing with numerous challenges.

Can we not just respect each other, and not drown us in a sea of messages.

I feel bad but at the same time, enough is enough. Being reminded that my voice is ignored, even today after I have left means I need to speak a little louder. Stand up for myself. And move forward.

Ameen.

P.S. I’m beginning to realize my mistake in having responded to a religious sister a few weeks ago since it seems my email has been added to a bunch of lists since then and hence my fury. I told her I’m not as practicing, and I definitely didn’t think this meant that I would be bombarded by all these emails from religious organizations. Its offensive. Reminds me of the days where people thought they were helping my faith by sending me countless emails. It needs to stop. Pray for me, not prey on me. Ease. Ameen.

P.P.S. I’m also SOOOO tired of being treated like a black sheep. Like how was I going to sustain my practice with all the hypocrisy around me? Also, sooo sick and tired of being treated like I’m some kind of disease. Religious ‘friends’ of a decade who treat me like I have fallen from the fold and don’t wish to associate with me. And yet, would befriend non-religious people in hopes of outreach. Like, really. Why don’t we focus on each other as people instead of checkmarks on a list. Only God defines us. I’m disgusted at how quickly backs are turned when you take off a headscarf that quite frankly, was my personal decision to put on, and also a personal decision to take off. Sorry for the rant, but after being treated like I’m worse than dirt when I was struggling and living in the car, because I guess I deserved it as God’s punishment, I’m beginning to realize, He doesn’t want us to suffer, only to love Him. And love Him with all my heart I do. There, focus on love, not differences people. Ameen.

P.P.P.S. And instead of focusing on what I’m doing wrong, why don’t we focus on some half decent literature as I was dismayed that the one item I had left was somewhat disappointing in its constant reference to disbelievers when my hubby had taken an interest in reading a bit more. It disgusts me how divisive any religious group can be, and it needs to stop. Why doesn’t one take all that time spent in writing me spam emails and spend it providing more friendly material that is all inclusive for all walks of life. Just saying. God isn’t hard, people are. God is easy, people make it difficult. It needs to stop. Ease. Ameen.

Last P.S. I hope: I also wanted to add that my ten years of super Muslimness that’s discounted because I have chosen a different, more open path, is also disheartening. It hurts. Like hell. It’s like all those countless hours of halaqas every Friday for two years at the masjid, and numerous fundraisers as well as volunteerism to help people doesn’t mean anything. Like am I suddenly a different person? Did it count less to work at a homeless shelter because I didn’t dress a certain way or help certain types of people? I pray that we all become more unified. Such minor details leads us away from the major focus, which is helping each other make this life a little bit easier. At ease. Ameen.

Advertisements

Getting Snowed

It’s been a stressful period for my partner looking for work. It’s one thing to not hear back, its quite another to deal with people who lack integrity.

  1. Being interviewed informally with many discussions about a role for a electrician at a plant; only to be snowed in the formal interview that they are looking for a millwright instead. This is after hours and days of chatting with the hiring manager, building rapport, only to have that rug pulled out. Why waste our time and lead him on?
  2. Having recruiters hound him for his resume and credentials only to hear silence when he stated he is only providing his electrical license number upon being hired. It’s like, why do we have to self exploit all are ID numbers for the possibility of being interviewed. Theft happens.

It’s been hard for him and on us as we approach our two year anniversary next week. It doesn’t help being a temp as days off sick or company closures means lack of pay.

I’m beginning to think living in an igloo is better.

Ease. Success. Ameen.

P.S. Thank you for all your words of encouragement! We must be shiny and light like snowflakes! 🙂

Invisible Faith

If someone had told me that wearing the headscarf meant membership by fabric only, I think I would have thought twice before enduring the decade of highs and lows I had experienced towards the end.

I had the urge to go to the mosque this week, not that I’ve been in awhile but was hesitant. My supportive partner was worried too as coming out in a small town like this makes me easily identifiable, and quite frankly stalkable as I had found in the past. That or I would be given mean glares for not wearing a head scarf, and quite frankly not fitting in.

When I say salaam to sisters with the headscarf, sometimes three times, they completely ignore me. Act as if I didn’t say it. That hurts.

Or when my own sisters of the faith assume I’m the worst of mankind and completely disown me. That hurts even more.

If 85% of us don’t wear the headscarf, why are we made to feel like we are less than somehow? As a convert, the incredible isolation, ridicule, public scrutiny, humiliation and constant anxiety over the next public news made life extremely challenging.

Ironically of course I had a better job with my head scarf than without. But I digress.

Is it so wrong to wanna blend in. Is it so bad that we don’t want to feel like a constant outcast in both societies.

I think not.

And looking down on me for being with a wonderful man who subscribes to God but with a different upbringing, masha’Allah… one has to wonder what’s more important. The man who increases your faith, or the one who shrunk it. Just sayin’.

And for those naysayers, we do have Surah al Baqarah play all the time in the house to protect us. We pray together when times get rough, and we are so thankful for God. He has taught me so much about faith, one who didn’t complain even when he was living in his car with nothing to eat for days.

I don’t think we can judge. Only God does that.

Ease. Success. Ameen.

P.S. One could argue converts lose their faith after awhile… I would argue we find our middle, what’s right for us, which no one can tell you but your heart and close conversations with God. Ameen. And forgive me if I have offended anyone with my heart.

Changing Friendships

I remember having a best friend as a kid whom I thought would never end.

Growing up, although I’m young at heart, I’m realizing that people around me change. Decades go by, I didn’t notice little things here and there that indicated something was expiring.

It’s hard. We fight it. Surely, all that energy and love we pour into something should mean something. How is it possible someone new comes along and fills that slow void that’s opening.

They say as you get older, its harder to make friends. I would argue that as we grow, sometimes we don’t fit what once was.

May you butterfly into the wings you are meant to have.

Ameen.

 

As a career coach for a decade whose helped thousands of resumes, I find it hilarious when someone who hasn’t been on the job search even longer tells me I should pay for someone to review my CV.

Ha.

Ha.

I explained the job market is tough out there. Most admin roles have fallen into part-time, temporary roles ie 20 hours a week Mon to Fri with no benefits. And wanting some kinda Certificate in Office Admin, which seems to trump a decade of experience. You can apply to loads of positions, and you’re lucky to get one phone call for barely minimum wage of three people’s workloads.

Yeah.

Why does everyone seem to know what’s good for me better than I do? And what I’m saying falls on deaf ears. Everyone thinks their city is the best. Bahaha.. But what about where I feel home is?

We want to settle where God wants us next, and so far, these winds have taken us here.

Ease. Success. Ameen.

 

25 Things I Have Learned About Being in a Relationship

  1. You can’t control everything
  2. You can’t control a person.
  3. You can only control yourself and your reactions, how you think about something determines your reality
  4. Forgiveness can feel empty without effort
  5. Love has highs and lows with highs that outweigh the lows most of the time
  6. Love gets you through the lows reminding you to dance
  7. Humour goes a long way to not killing each other
  8. Honesty is an ingredient used wisely
  9. Trust is built, taken, rebuilt, chipped, built some more
  10. Time shows you the canvas of the relationship. It ain’t always pretty but it can be beautiful
  11. Loyalty is absolutely important.
  12. There is no relationship without commitment to be kind, even when we forget, we apologize and makeover
  13. You can have most of what you want in a person but you can’t have every single detail perfect. In fact, that’s what makes them loveable
  14. When you fight, remind yourself of who you are really fighting. Oftentimes, it has nothing to do with the person in front of us
  15. Facing your inner demons is hard: admitting we need help at times can be downright vulnerable, tres scary
  16. When your ex-husband contacts you eight times and asks to remarry you, he is really searching for the old part of you and himself. Be renewed.
  17. Communication is a constant process and needs just as much attention as your hair cut: trim too much and you fall short, leave it for too long and you become angry.
  18. Boundaries are to us what water is to seagulls: we must sqwuak to hail what is important to us
  19. Stress can highlight what drives you crazy about your partner: try to remember and appreciate all the other 99 things you love about them, because you never know when God will make them a memory
  20. When life feels outta sorts, try to focus on what is good about today: how the Universe has blessed us and how far we have come
  21. If you miss the days of being single, try going online and remind yourself how much fun that process was. Let your partner know of course and have a good laugh about it
  22. Explore new things together, hobbies or quirks about each other: learning how to love each other better everyday
  23. Be responsible in how effectively we love someone, and also know we can’t control what they do with it, only our super abilities to love more and more each day
  24. In moments of darkness, pray for light and guidance
  25. It is not our relationship status that determines our worth: it is how worthy you feel in this relationship that determines it’s status

PS. Thank you for all the heart felt prayers for us as he hunts for work and we have until end of this month to find something or back to the car we go I think…either way, thank you so much. Success. Ease. Ameen.

“Say You Won’t Let Go”, James Arthur

This entry was posted on September 4, 2017. 1 Comment

Uncertainty Embraces Us

Conflict teaches us where we wanna be next.

Hope leads us out of our doubts.

Time shows us how often God loves us.

Cherish reminds us to embrace each other beyond our differences.

Memory tells us that storms have calmed before.

And tenacity gives us vision for better.

Ameen.

“Just Like Fire”, Pink

P.S. Thank you for all the heartfelt prayers as we navigate these waters. Success. Ease. Ameen.

This entry was posted on August 7, 2017. 3 Comments