If someone had told me that wearing the headscarf meant membership by fabric only, I think I would have thought twice before enduring the decade of highs and lows I had experienced towards the end.
I had the urge to go to the mosque this week, not that I’ve been in awhile but was hesitant. My supportive partner was worried too as coming out in a small town like this makes me easily identifiable, and quite frankly stalkable as I had found in the past. That or I would be given mean glares for not wearing a head scarf, and quite frankly not fitting in.
When I say salaam to sisters with the headscarf, sometimes three times, they completely ignore me. Act as if I didn’t say it. That hurts.
Or when my own sisters of the faith assume I’m the worst of mankind and completely disown me. That hurts even more.
If 85% of us don’t wear the headscarf, why are we made to feel like we are less than somehow? As a convert, the incredible isolation, ridicule, public scrutiny, humiliation and constant anxiety over the next public news made life extremely challenging.
Ironically of course I had a better job with my head scarf than without. But I digress.
Is it so wrong to wanna blend in. Is it so bad that we don’t want to feel like a constant outcast in both societies.
I think not.
And looking down on me for being with a wonderful man who subscribes to God but with a different upbringing, masha’Allah… one has to wonder what’s more important. The man who increases your faith, or the one who shrunk it. Just sayin’.
And for those naysayers, we do have Surah al Baqarah play all the time in the house to protect us. We pray together when times get rough, and we are so thankful for God. He has taught me so much about faith, one who didn’t complain even when he was living in his car with nothing to eat for days.
I don’t think we can judge. Only God does that.
Ease. Success. Ameen.
P.S. One could argue converts lose their faith after awhile… I would argue we find our middle, what’s right for us, which no one can tell you but your heart and close conversations with God. Ameen. And forgive me if I have offended anyone with my heart.